Break Free From Blame To Avoid Shame

What's up everyone, welcome back to this week's episode of Mindset. Monday and today is all around. The blame game is only going to lead to shame, and so many of us stay stuck in a state of blame, which then will often lead to shame, which is a wasted emotion. And if you want to find out how to avoid that and how to make sure that again you create an outcome that's in line with what you want, then tune into the rest of this episode. The first thing that we want to look at when it comes to where shame originates from, all right, it often will come back to a place of who's actually to blame, because for so long and I've shared this in a couple of episodes recently for so long, as an abused kid, I would always blame, you know, my parents, and especially my father, for the constant beatings and emotional abuse and everything that I went through. But yet the shame really came back to a place of the fact that I didn't feel like I could control the outcome and I felt a level of shame around the fact that I was stuck and there was nothing I could do. And when you realize sometimes that Shit happens, bad things happen and ultimately I was in a situation there was nothing I could really do anything about and I couldn't change the outcome. So staying in this blame and victimhood and everything else that I did for so long didn't really serve me. It only created more negative emotions. It only created more of a victim mindset around. How could this happen to me? When I was this young kid, all I wanted was love and presence and attention right, and at least some form of you know, apparent. And for a lot of women that I speak to who have been through sexual traumas, emotional traumas and things like that, it's it's it's really hard. It's really hard to not stay in a state of blame because what you got to understand is that only then leads to shame. And it's a really hard and interesting connection for some people to eventually gain awareness around Because it hurts. It hurts like hell, especially when things were out of your control. But in order to not stay in shame and to not play the blame game, you just have to realize that sometimes shit is going to happen and if you're here and you're in one piece and you have the ability to create a new future and a new you and it doesn't mean those things are gone and they disappear, but you have an opportunity still to create new chapters, to finish writing your book the way that you want to, and being able to shift your focus that way will take you out of this game altogether, which then again will change your mindset, will change your perspective, will change the way that you look at the world, and for me, that's the most powerful gift that you can give yourself from anything like this that happens to you. All right. So if that's hard to hear and it's hard to understand, based on whatever trauma you might have been through, based on how difficult it is to sometimes realize that you know, even though somebody did something to you, if I continue to blame them for how I feel, for how I react, for how you know all these things are going on in my life, then it's only going to come back to a place of shame, because I'm not taking personal responsibility and I've got an easy context, right, because that was quite a heavy start to this episode, right, like my youngest kid at the moment is going through that phase where you know like he'll get really pissed off and upset and then he'll just unleash on everybody, like just literally say the meanest things, throw, like he's having a tantrum again, yet he's 14. And the biggest thing that I'm trying to teach him is the fact that I a little bit of struggle with how to cross that transition. People are gonna do things too that you're not gonna like. Shit's gonna happen, that's gonna upset you, that's going to hurt you, that's going to affect you, but the one thing that you've always got control over is how you react. Right, and even as adults, we really need to take that on board, because it's not what happens to us, it's how we react to it and then what we do from there. That dictates the outcomes and then dictates who it is that we become. And that, again, is the most powerful growth. Transitional period is to realize that cool. All of these things happen to me, they've happened around me. You know, some I was in control of, some I wasn't. What can I now take responsibility for? To choose my reaction? Because if you think you're not in control of your reactions, that's the first lie that you're accepting, all right, and until we are willing to just live in the real, raw, relevant results of where we are right now, you're going to stay stuck in these lies and these stories. The next thing that we want to focus on, once we get to a point of awareness, is just deciding to remove what's not gonna serve us. And again, this isn't about easy. It's about what's going to help you Create what you want, what's gonna help you develop the mindset, tools and the results and the person that you want to become. And If I'm constantly moving house but I'm bringing Everything that I said I would throw away from each house to the next house, I'm just literally creating a bigger mess everywhere I go and I'm bringing the same mess with me. So the new house feel of fancy, but it's got the same shit inside it. And and until you realize that the certain things that you need to no longer Carry around at the level that you do again, I'm not saying these things suddenly disappear, but I do have a choice of how much Significance, how much focus, how much time and how much energy I put into them. Right, that part you're in control of and you will always be in control of that part. So, again, once I realize, okay, cool, like at the moment, these types of emotions make me feel like shit. These stories, these Thoughts, these memories, these everything else that I'm going through, they only cause me heartache and pain and sadness and Therefore, I then react from those emotions, from that place which, again, is not serving me. It's not allowing me to do the things that I want to do. It's not giving me the energy and the focus and the motivation and the positivity and the perspective that's gonna drive me forward. It's exactly what's keeping you stuck and, again, once you can start to realize this and you can start to own the fact that, hey, this stuff is there, but I'm gonna get rid of it. I don't need to. I'm gonna give it away to whatever. I mean, I'm gonna put it in the dump, right, because cool, it might still exist there, but it's not going to become a part of my world anymore. I'm not gonna give it any time, energy and focus, because I've done that for long enough and it only causes me pain, heartache and keeps me stuck. So why the fuck do I want to continue to do it? Next thing we want to look at again I mentioned this before right is is choosing at some point to live by a code, and I can't own this for myself. It's something that I gained from a program that I did when I was going through a really hard time in my life of really trying to rediscover myself after a really shitty Married, really traumatic end to it, where she cheated in a very, very nasty way and, you know, it really attacked my character. I allowed it to attack my character is a better way to say it for too long and I really had to rebuild myself back up again. And this statement and this code was such a simple framework for Media be able to do it with, and I still do it. I even got a custom necklace made with the engraving on it as a daily reminder to live by the code. Right, and that code is Never fucking lie about anything is the first part ever. And then everything that you're doing, you want to be focusing on real, raw, relevant results. Right, because you're always telling the truth. You're always looking at what's in front of you, looking at the data, the feedback. You're looking at all the things that are real that you can decide to do something about or you can decide not to do something about. But again, you're still responsible for that next choice and for me having simple frameworks when you've been going through a lot of emotions. It's almost grounding, it's anchoring, it's like okay, at this point I'm going off into a headspace and an emotional reaction place that I don't want to be. Cool. What's my anchor? How do I get back to where I need to be? How do I get back my focus so that I'm moving in the direction I want to go? That's where framework is good. Live by the code. Right, real, raw, relevant results. What's the truth? What is the real truth in this situation? Is it the fact that I don't have control over my reactions? No, that's a fucking lie, and you know it. Is it the fact that, because all of this stuff happened to me, I'm not able to create a different outcome in the future? No, again, another lie, right? So, until you're willing to identify with some sort of a framework, some sort of a mirror, to go, okay, cool. Based on all of these different things that have happened to me, what's going to ground me? What's going to tell me the truth of where I am and where I want to go? What choices do I have in front of me, based on real, raw, relevant results? And then you make those choices with full integrity, full responsibility, full transparency and honesty, which just changes the game, because there's no shit I don't need to tell anyone about, I don't need any stories. I just make a choice based on what is in front of me. The hardcore truth of whatever the situation, circumstances or reality is Last point here, and this is big and some of you will relate to it. Some of you probably need to feel and own it a little bit more, but we, what we go through, we grow through. Again, another little anchoring statement it's like, you know, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and I know for a fact that that has been probably the biggest developmental tool for me, based on everything I've gone through in my life and my ability to now operate from a perspective and an energy level and a focus that a lot of people don't understand. They're like how do you operate that way? How do you deal with that? How do you move forward based on everything that happened, and I'm like I've grown through all of these different tests. I've grown in ways that I would never have grown if I didn't go through those massive, you know lows, or the trauma that I did, or the loss that I did, or all of these different things that I've gone through in my life. The ups as well, right, but we tend to learn more from our mistakes than we do from our wins. It's just tends to be human nature. We definitely will learn from both, but one tends to be more than the other. So, with wherever you are at the moment, with whatever you're going through and you feel maybe stuck, you feel like I want to achieve something, I want to move forward, I want to create the outcomes right, and you have that sense of burning desire to do it. Just understand that you're going to grow through what you go through. If shit is hard and it's hard to get moving, great, it means that you're going to grow. If it's super challenging you can't see a solution great, it's grow time, right. If you feel like nothing's working, as long as you don't fucking give up, you will grow through it. You will find a way. It's how we are designed. It's how this thing functions. It's how the universe operates. You look at anybody who's ended up with a huge trial over era success story right, where they had massive failures. They had lots of highs and lows throughout their journey. They got to the other side of that. Because of what they went through, they were able to achieve what they want, because they were willing not to give up. And at the moment, when I play the blame game and I stay in shame. How motivated do you think I am? How driven do you think I am? How enthusiastic and positive do you think I am on a day to day basis, if that's where I'm staying, like you know, it's not the case and it never will be the case. So again, like I said, letting go of the things that don't serve me. This is how I want to feel, this is how I want to operate. And then I sit there feeling sorry for myself because I don't. It's because you didn't shift anything, you didn't let go of what was holding you back and you didn't switch your focus to the things that are going to drive you forward. And a big part of that is owning the now. Owning the truth, the real, raw, relevant results, no matter what, even if it's fucking painful to look at yourself in the mirror and go dude. All of that self punishment that you've been doing to yourself is your fucking fault. That amount of fat hanging over your belt, the bat wings and the five rolls you've got on your side, the fact that you don't do anything with your kids because you're too unhealthy and can't breathe it's your fucking fault. But that's okay Once you own that, that's the truth. Now, what's the truth of the choices that you have in front of you? Because that's going to be the critical element of making sure that you stay out of the blame and shame game forever is owning the truth than owning. What choices do I have based on that truth? And when you can do that and you make choices from that place, you will become undeniable and unstoppable and you'll start creating all the outcomes that you want, which, at the end of the day, for me, spending time doing this every single week, because it's something that I'm so driven and passionate about. If that's where you end up from I don't know a wake up call or maybe hearing something that you might not have heard in this way before, then my job's done. I will be happy forever based on that. So I appreciate you taking the time to watch and if you haven't hit the like or subscribe button, make sure you do that and I would love to hear from you about, maybe, where you are in your journey or other things that you would love me to dive into in future mindset episodes.