Confronting Pain: A Journey from Suffering to Strength

One of the hardest things that we ever need to deal with as a human being is the pain of loss and the emotional effect, the practical effect that loss has on you, whether it'll be from a relationship, whether it'll be from a family member, whether it'll be something around work. Ultimately, the reason why it's so hard is because often what we lost, or why we lost it, was out of our control, and what I wanted to do in this episode, more than anything, is dive into four key ways that you can start to process the pain of loss. You can start to reframe it and look at it from a different perspective, so that you don't feel as stuck, so that you can start to breathe again, so that you can start to find a way forward that's in line with how you want to feel, rather than feeling this constant level of pain and agony and suffering to the point where it's almost debilitating for you. So let's dive into those things now. The first place that we want to look at and it's often the last place that we look at is the damage that we didn't see coming, and that damage is coming from us. That damage is coming from the negative self-talk, it's coming from the doubts and the uncertainties and the questioning and the why did I do this? Why did that happen? What could I have done differently? And you're constantly playing these videos and these conversations in your mind over and over and over again, to the point where you start to doubt who you are. You start to attack your character, you start to attack things that you felt like. You were confident in, things about you and who you were that you felt good in. You had a level of certainty that I'm this type of person and I would never do that. I would never cause that. My intentions were never from that place, but yet the outcome still led to loss. The outcome often was out of your control and that can be really hard to cope with because at the end of the day, whether you've been hurt or somebody else has been hurt and it's been out of your control, it's really hard not to doubt yourself in that process. It's tricky to find a way to process that without self-attacking. And what I want you to realize and why it's the first point in this entire video is because the longer that you do that to yourself, the longer that you stay in that state, the longer that you're having those types of conversations, the more that it's going to attack your ability to be you. It's going to attack your confidence, your self-worth, your self-belief in who you are. And when you're trying to work, when you're trying to get over the pain of loss, when you're trying to find ways forward, when you're trying to focus on, maybe, the good things that you learned or the lessons that you took away, it's really hard to do that when you're questioning who you are, and for me, even my last marriage at the end of that was horrific and I found myself being stuck in this cycle of maybe I could have done more, maybe I could have done better, maybe. And ultimately you just have to realize that shit happens, things change and whether your loss is related to a relationship or something different, deciding how you want to move forward and react to that loss is the one choice that you always have. It's not the easiest choice to make and sometimes what to do with that choice might be unclear, but the very first step is understanding that you have that choice and if you're feeling stuck, if you're feeling this level of suffering and these videos and conversations playing over and over and over in your head, then you're not making a different choice and you're choosing to suffer and you've got to understand that pain is not easy to cope with. Pain hurts, but suffering is a choice and I want to make sure that you understand that so that you can start to make a different choice. The next thing that I want to talk about is something that I'll have conversations with a lot of people about is what do you do when the pain is unbearable? I've been working with people in the changing lives realm for 24 years and during that time, some of the stories I've heard about losses of children, losses of family members, women that have been through traumatic sexual abuse and basically having their innocence taken away from them, marriages breakdowns and all of these different things that have gone on in people's lives. They'll often get themselves to a point where they feel like that level of pain is unbearable. They don't know what to do, to breathe and move forward and move past, whatever it is that happened. And again, this isn't about easy, it isn't about not understanding. It's about how do we move forward from the pain of loss. And ultimately, you've got to go back to the very first point. If I'm staying stuck in those conversations, if I'm staying stuck in that suffering loop? How well do you think I'm going to be able to move forward based on the level of pain that I'm in? Do you feel like, if I'm staying in suffering for longer and longer, that it's going to increase the level of pain that I'm in? Do you think that's going to feel like things are unbearable? If that's where my focus and energy is going, day in and day out, weekend and week out? It is, and you know the answer to that. But ultimately it's again making a choice. I'll give you another example my last relationship. We had a really tricky time after about well, probably seven months ago, okay, and during that time I probably didn't react to things the best way I could have, and neither did she, but ultimately we moved past, we stayed together, everything else. Anyway, six, seven months down the road, she's still focusing on that. She still feels like she needs to heal from that. She's still in pain from it, even though there was lots of other things that I had to move on from at that time as well. Ultimately, on why do I want to focus there? Because it makes man happy. It feels like crap, it puts something in between us. Why do I want to do that. Where's Beher? That's where her focus goes and that's where she can't get over things and where she's suffering and where she's in pain and where she feels like she still needs to heal. And ultimately, you've got to look at that example, or maybe your own example. You can be so far down the road of moving forward, but if your focus is still where you were and your focus is still on the same level of pain and the same level of suffering and how you don't think you can get over it all the rest of that stuff again, what do you think you're going to experience now, in the present? Do you think that it's going to be easy for you to concentrate on new ways forward, on concentrating on the things that you want, when your focus is based on all the things that you didn't like, that were painful and hopeful, and again just getting in your way? I see it with women who lose a whole bunch of weight but yet they still see the fat person that was in the mirror nine months ago and then they wonder why they're self-sabotaging because, even though they put in the work, they've moved so far down the road. The emotional pain that's triggered based on them going back to that place and putting their focus there brings them straight back to the same place in the present, even though that shit happened six, seven, nine, 12, 24 months ago. They're still back in that same emotional state and I guarantee it's happened to you before. Something happened in your childhood, something happened in the past relationship at work that was really triggering and you move on, you don't think about it as much because your focus is on other things. And then something. Something happens, or conversation happens, or somebody says the same thing Bang, you're straight back to that emotional level that you were, that same place of pain and suffering within an instant. But again you got the choice Do I want to stay there or am I going to switch my focus around to make sure that I feel the way that I want and that I'm able to move forward based on that? I'm not moving forward with old hooks and chains weighing me down. Next thing we want to look at here is the real questions that you want to be asking, because, again, the quality of your life is going to be based on the quality of your questions and for so many people they'll ask why? Questions Like why did this happen to me? Why did this go wrong? Why did that happen? Why did that not happen? Why couldn't they do that? Why couldn't they understand me? Why All of these different? Why questions? But you're asking yourself the wrong questions because, again, a lot of that stuff is out of your control. It's not somebody else decides to do. How they decide to act or react is based on their own shit. It's not based on yours, it's not based on how you feel and see things. It was all on them and they might blame you and say, well, you made me do this and everything else like that. But ultimately, we all know that's not the truth. They reacted based on their own shit. You react based on your shit. So when you're sitting in this place and you're asking yourself questions that only lead to answers that will cause frustration, cause doubt, cause a gap between not knowing versus knowing, when you're staying in the middle of never really knowing, which again creates doubt and uncertainty and insecurity, you're going to stay in suffering. Start asking yourself better questions. What do I want to take away from that relationship or that lesson? What do I need to learn? What do I need to do to be better within myself? What do I need to do to not allow those things to affect me anymore. How can I move forward in a way where my expectations might be different or my reactions might be different or anything else like that? I'm asking myself quality questions based on where I want to go, not based on where I've been or why certain things didn't work, because, again, guess what? It's already happened. It's out of your control, that's done. You can't change it. And for a lot of us me included, knowing that you couldn't change an outcome and you tried your best and you still didn't get the outcome that you want, that's a tricky headspace to live in and for me, I've had to navigate that different ways multiple times and ultimately it's come down to like can I sit in this place of? Like I did the best that I could based on what I knew then, and if I did, I can live with that. And if I didn't, I can still live with that, because what do I need to take from that to make sure I do better next time? And that's it. I'm not going to question who I am about it. I'm not going to doubt who I am. I'm not going to apologize for who I am, because who I am is always evolving and it's the same for you, who you were in that relationship, who you were in that workforce, who you were when that happened and you had a tragic loss and you had to rebuild yourself back up again. You're evolving. You're not that same person anymore and you have the ability to continue to evolve If you ask yourself the right questions, if you ask yourself questions that lead to quality answers that will move you forward. Last thing here and this is a big one, because I talked to a lot of people that would articulate that they suffer from depression, and for me, I have very different views on depression and I'm not going to go into those now because, again, for some of you it'll be conflicting. But just based on my history of working with people, especially through pain and change, is that ultimately, you're at a point where you feel like you can't move on. You feel broken, you feel defeated, you feel deflated. You feel that, no matter what you've tried to do, nothing works. And this works in so many different arenas and capacities, whether it be weight loss, whether there'll be finances, whether it be career, whether it be relationship, whatever it might be, even as a parent, maybe, you feel like you're failing, no matter what you try. I feel like that with my teenage daughter at the moment, but ultimately it's. How do I pick myself up from that place? Because for some of you, that place is rock bottom and I've had friends commit suicide. I was what? How old was I? I was 16 the very first time I saw somebody hang themselves. My best friend OD on heroin the first time when he was 12, I was surrounded by a lot of things growing up that I'm so grateful that my kids never had to see. But ultimately a lot of those people got to rock bottom. They thought that there was no way out and that was the way that they chose. But ultimately, when you're at that point and you feel broken, all you've got to understand is that at any point you can rebuild. You can maybe not fix what happens, but you can start piecing back together the parts of you that you want to keep and start building new parts until you create a solid foundation around who you want to be, around, how you want to live, around the things that you want to do, moving forward and take what you need to, but leave the rest behind, because the reason that you feel broken, the reason why you feel like everything is weighing you down is because you piled everything into a giant ton of weight. It's literally weighing you down, and I see this with a lot of women that even start our transformation programs and all of the conversations, all of the past attempts and all the negative self-talk and all of the doubt and uncertainty and even you know coming from their partners and everything else around why they can't do it. And here we go again and all of this shit. It's all weighing them down and then they wonder why it feels so hard to get into a routine, to get moving. What we focus on is simplifying everything. Look, some of that stuff is still going to be there, but on a day-to-day basis we just need to focus on two simple things to move forward. And that's my advice to you. If you feel broken right now, if you feel like there's so many pieces and you don't know where to start to put them together, start simply Choose one thing, one thing that you can do today and tomorrow. That's in line with where you want to go and in line with who you want to be. That's it One thing. And I dealt with clients and still deal with clients with PTSD and high-core trauma and for a lot of them, even getting off the couch is like intimidating. Going outside, going in public agoraphobics right, they just don't want to be seen by anybody. But they didn't start that way, they weren't born that way. Often it's become conditioned because of the state of pain and suffering that they've been cycling over and over again and to the point that everything seems too big and it's all weighing them down, and then they feel like it's the depression that's holding them back, whereas what I've seen in my life and what I've seen with thousands of people that I've been working with, is, regardless of the weight, you can still move. You might only be able to move this far today, but then tomorrow it'll be that far, the next day it'll be that far, the next day it'll be that far until you know it. Now you're moving again. I've had people that have been close to 400 pounds, who literally needed aid to stand the fuck up because they were told that they weren't allowed to do anything. Take the same approach One step tomorrow's the front door, the next day is a lap around the house, the next day is the mailbox, whatever it might be. The point is, it doesn't matter where you start, it doesn't matter how small you start. It's just about committing to doing something every single day, moving a little bit more every single day until suddenly you're starting to be back in momentum. Suddenly, you're moving in a direction that's away from where you've been. You're creating space from it, and the beautiful thing about space is now I can see a different perspective. When I don't have space, I can't see everything. Everything is smothering and overwhelming and I feel like there's no way out, there's no view around it, whereas when I'm here now, I can see different opportunities, different perspectives, different ways forward. So give yourself the power of space by making things simple, committing to something that you can do, no matter how you're feeling. Like we can all get up and move. For 20 minutes, you can take your journal out and just list down every little shitty conversation that you've had in your head, and every single time you finish it, burn it, throw it out. Get that shit out, because it's been in here spinning around and eating you up for so long that ultimately, it's spinning you out the other end, whereas we want to spit it out rather than the other way, and look as always. If there's anything that I can do to help you in this process, reach out to me, comment below, send me a message. But ultimately, I wanted to share this with you because so many of us stay stuck in pain and suffering for longer than we need to, because we think the choice isn't ours. We think the choice is it's happened to us rather than it needs to come through us. So, ultimately, regardless of what you lost and regardless of everything that happened around that and how much pain that caused you which, again, I have a lot of empathy and understanding around it's more about how do we push through that, how do we come at the other side and make sure that we get back to living the life that we want to live and feeling the way that we want to feel? I'll speak to you next week.